A Fine Day

Your day starts [[fine.]] You are [[rested.]] You have [[eaten]] breakfast. You have [[showered]] and brushed your teeth.

You are [[walking]] to your first class. It's kinda humid outside. You can feel yourself starting to sweat. Will your classmates [[notice?]]

You are running to your first class. You slept in again. You always do this. You are going to be late [[again.]]

They notice. Of course they noticed. They always notice. You can't [[hide.]]

Again again again again again again You are doing it again [[Stop]] doing this to yourself! DON'T DO THIS AGAIN, [[WAIT!]]

You stop running You sit away from the crowds going to class You [[breathe]] You take a moment for yourself.

You can't wait. If you are late, what will your professor think? You'll never live up to their expectations. RUN [[FASTER!!!]]

You are okay. You can do this. Tomorrow will be easier. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You are sprinting so hard your heart hurts You can't breath You are having a panic attack. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You want to hide. You [[feel]] so very small. Yet everyone else feels so very big. Should you [[run]] away?

You focus on something else. You start to feel better. No one is staring at you. You just need to [[breathe.->breathe]]

You can't handle the stares. You feel your legs starting to move. You need to get out of there. You need to leave [[NOW!->FASTER!!!]]

You stayed up late last night. Were you were doing [[homework]] til 3am? Or did you skip that to watch [[YouTube]] all night? Why do you do this to yourself?

You woke up without an appetite again. You know you should eat something. Should you grab a [[granola bar?]] Or just get to [[class?]]

You didn't have the energy to care about your appearence today. It would take too long anyway. You were going to be [[late.]] Should you even [[go?]]

You procrastinated... You do this almost daily. Did you remember to [[submit]] it to Bb? Oh GOD DID YOU REALLY [[FORGET]] THAT?!

You feel lazy and sad. [[Nothing]] new... You are already a disappointment. You [[skip]] class today.

You decide eating a little something is more important than making it exactly on time. You can hear your friend nagging in the back of your mind, "You'll get a [[headache]] if you don't eat!" She's right, like always. You know you are going to be a little [[late]] as you bolt out the door.

You go to class hungry. As the professor is waiting for someone to answer the question on the board, your stoamch growls... LOUD. You hear a couple girls [[giggle]] behind you. Your face is beet red.

You say 'Fuck it' and hop in the shower. The gunk and muck being washed down the drain makes you feel lighter. You imagine the soap can clean out the inside of your head too. It's a [[mess]] in there

What's the point? You wouldn't be able to keep up. You don't have the energy to care. You don't have the energy to [[get out of bed.]]

Yes, you remembered. You're fine. You stress out too easily... Take a minute to [[calm down.]]

Of course you forgot. You always forget. HOW COULD YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN? You stayed up all night for [[NOTHING!!!]]

You remember 'nothing' You are familiar with 'nothing' You can't stop thinking about 'nothing' Sometimes... you wonder where 'nothing' leads. What if you followed it, instead... Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You've been having a [[rough time]] lately. You look at your syllabus and see there is only a lecture today. All the slides are on Bb. You decide to take a day for [[yourself...]]

You don't need to rush. You got to class on time. You're okay. Let's [[restart->Good Morning]]

yOU YouRE yoooooUUUuuU NOTHING nothING NOTHING NothTHING YOU ARE LOSING CONTROL why bother... this might as well happen you feel like you deserve it you stop moving you don't want to move for awhile Let's [[restart...->Good Morning]]

You don't want to burden anyone with your problems. You have kept them bottled up for a long time. You worry they will spill out when you [[don't]] want them to. You know they always [[do.]]

You haven't thought about yourself in a loooong time. It makes you kind of uncomfortable. You don't like to think about things you hate. You don't want to [[spiral]] like this again...

You keep it all inside You have to You can't let them see You can't You can't You can't You ca- You Yo You see though Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You let it all out. Your eyes pour, watering the bags under them. It feels good to let it out. After a couple of hours, you decide to clean yourself up. Maybe you will meet a friend for lunch later. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You get up and look in the mirror. You don't understand how anyone could look at this and like what they see. You see past mistakes and regrets marring your skin. You see the flood gates open behind your eyes... Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

Your friend is always looking out for you. You don't know what you did to deserve her, but you are damn [[glad]] you did it. You decide to call her later. You [[miss]] her.

You are late. You feel like everyone's eyes are on you as youm ake your way to your seat. They feel like they are boring holes into your skin. You [[scratch]] at your skin in an attempt to make the feeling go away.

Is she glad though? Does she know how much you depend on her? Oh God... Are you [[too clingy?]] Is she trying to distance herself on purpose?

You get through your first class okay. You pull out your phone and dial her number. She doesn't pick up. Leave a voicemail? [[Yes]] [[No]]

You've always been too clingy; too [[needy.]] When are you gonna grow up? She doesn't want to hear from you, shew would have reached out by now if she did... Stop being such a child!

You don't know what you need. Do you need help? No, you can handle this yourself. You know that's a [[lie...]]

You lie all the time "Yeah, I'm fine!" "I'm just a little tired" "Don't worry about me, just having a slow day." You know what that means. You bump into someone, "Oh sorry, are you okay?" How do you answer? [["Yes, sorry!"]] [["I don't know"]]

STOP LYING!!! STOP LYING TO EVERYONE STOP LYING TO YOURSELF STOP CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT YOU NEED TO STRUGGLE ALONE STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOPSTOPSTOPSTOSPSSTOPOSPOTOTPSOTPSOOTPSOPTOPOSPTOOTPSOPTSTOPSOPOTPSPTPPSOSTSPTOSTSSPTOTPSTTPSOT...................................................... You want it all to just... stop. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

At least you are being honest. They give you a weird look as they walk away. You should [[get going.]] You don't want to be late.

You don't feel good, but you don't feel bad either. The rest of the day goes by uneventfully. You aren't sure if that's a good thing or not. You thinks it's better than the alternative. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You leave a short message. You mention how much you miss her and that she makes you [[happy.]] You would like to hang out soon. You think it sounds kinda cheesy, but you are smiling now. Your next class goes well.

She obviously doesn't want to talk to you. Why would she? If you think about yourself like this, how do you think she sees you? You don't want to [[think]] about that...

She called back later that night. She says she misses you to and wants to go see a movie friday night. You talk for hours. After you hang up, you start picking out what you are going to wear. Today was a good day. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

The feeling doesn't [[go away.]] You can't hear what the professor is saying. You are too focused on the itching. Your arm is covered in red marks.

The feeling stays with you for the rest of class. You manage to crawl back to the dorm before breaking down. You can't feel your arm anymore. Looks like you will be wearing long sleeves for awhile. You decide your day is over and go to bed at 4pm. Let's [[restart->Good Morning]]

You feel like everyone is laughing at you. You know this is irrational. Your mind doesn't seem to care for the rational. You can feel yourself [[spiraling.]]

After class ends, you hide in the nearest bathroom. You stay there until you can't hear anyone outside. You've been in there for hours. You are ready for this day to end. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You think about it. You don't want to think about her cutting you out. You can't handle the thought of her dumping you to the curb. You feel like [[you deserve it]] though.

You fight your way through the rest of your classes. Before heading up to your dorm, you buy a pint of ice cream. The rest of your night is spent sobbing into butter pecan. You don't see the missed messages from your friend. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You feel like you should get out of bed. You know you should. You need to get up. Do you get up? [[Yes.]] [[No.]]

You throw on some sweats and a hoodie. You shuffle to class and plop down, totally disinterested. You aren't paying attention. You professor asked you a question. You squeak out the first thing you think of... [[17]] [[Agatha Christie]]

You stare at the ceiling and realize that you haven't slept in in far too long. You can skip your first class. You curl up, arms wrapped around your pillow, and slip away. You [[wake up]] around 1pm.

That was nice. Your other two classes seem less daunting than they did earlier. You brush in some dry shampoo, pull on a hoodie, and saunter to class. You are playing [[September by Earth, Wind, and Fire]] through your headphones.

It's impossible to be upset when listening to disco. You find yourself Boogie Wonderland-ing from class to class. Before you know it, your day is done. That wasn't so bad. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

After your shower, you look around your room and realize what a pigsty it's become... You make a mental note to spruce the place up after class. Oh shit CLASS!!! Hair still wet, you throw it into a ponytail and [[sprint]] out of the dorm.

You aren't going to make it. With seconds to spare, you slide into your seat breathing hard. You are getting a few strange stares, but hey, you made it. Your mind wanders during class. What are you thinking about? [[How gross your room is.]] [[Where you wanna go eat after this.]]

You can't stop picturing your gross ass room. How do you live like that? It's eating at you... You have to [[fix it.]]

You decide to treat yourself. You have been pretty good lately, you deserve some chicken nuggets! You meet up with your suitemate at ChikFilA after class. You run into your [[Ex]] there.

You can't focus on anything else all day. You need to put everything where it belongs. As soon as your last class lets out, you run for [[the dorm.]] You forget you were going to meet your suitemate for dinner.

You stay up well past any reasonable bedtime organizing. You can't sleep until everything is perfect. Nothing can be out of place. Eventually, you [[pass out]] on the floor while refolding the same blankets for the fourth time.

The next morning, you wake up to a sore back and blankets that have been folded wrong. You spend half the day tearing apart and re-doing everything you did yesterday. Your suitemate has to literally pull you away from your room and to the dining hall to get you to eat. It takes you half an hour to calm down enough to actually take a bite. Your suitemate sits in your room with you after that and forces you to relax for the rest of the day. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

He sees you before you see him. He trots over and stands between you and [[your suitemate.]] You can feel your hands starting to shake. Your mind is [[running]] through all of your memories with him.

You lock eyes with your suitemate. She quickly thinks of an excuse, "OMFG, I left a candle burrning in the dorm!" It's not the best excuse, but you don't mind as she pulls you out the door and away from your past mistakes. [[Crisis averted]], You feel more like chinese today anyway.

"It's every girl for themselves," you think as you abruptly spin around and bounce out the door, leaving your suitemate alone. You keep running until you can't see Sub 1 anymore. Then you realize what you just did. [[Your suitemate]] is going to kill you.

The two of you get your food to go and take it back to the dorm. Your suitemate decides that y'all are gonna have a girls night. You spend your night buidling a pillow fort, eating chinese food, and catching up on Stranger Things. A much better date than he ever took you on. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You are waiting in the hall for her when she gets back to the dorm. She refuses to make eye contact with you. She continues to not make [[eye contact]] the next day. and the next...

You deserve this. You abandoned her. How could you? You don't leave your room for awhile. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

17, really??? YOU'RE AN ENGLISH MAJOR! YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN A MATH CLASS IN THREE YEARS! You aren't the only one that thinks your a [[dumbass.]]

The professor looks pleased as he writes the name on the board. The other students look look as bored as ever, they aren't looking at you. He repeats the question for another student who looks like they weren't paying attention. "Give me the name of a famous author that was published under a pseudonym." Holy shit you got [[lucky!]]

Just about everyone is cackling. The professor look quite unamused as he attempts to get attention back on the lesson. You are horrified. You gather youthings and rush out of the room as fast as you can. Your breathing is irratic, your chest hurts... [[is it hot in here?]]

You have no clue how you did that, but the high you got from it carries you through the rest of the day. With your new found luck, you buy a scratcher from 7/11. You got 5 bucks! Sweet. If only everyday could be like this. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]

You wake up at the campus clinic. The nurse explains that you hyperventalated and passed out in the lobby of Innovation Hall. You decide you have to drop out. Obviously, you can never show your face here again. Let's [[restart.->Good Morning]]